To My Husband

I miss you more than I can ever tell you, Daniel.

This is day six of you being in a medically induced coma.

I should have been messaging you everyday.

But this is the first day I’ve been at home by myself and been able to get on the computer and actually get my thoughts down on paper for you.

I know when you finally read this, you will have no idea what you have been through.

That will be a blessing, believe me.

Just know you have not left my thoughts one second since you have been in here.

Dues to Covid I was not able to be there with you today, however your mom is. It is eating me alive that I can’t be there today. But it gives me a chance to send you these messages so that you have something to read when you wake up.

Every day has been a nightmare for me. Everyday I have been waking up hoping and praying this was all a nightmare. Everyday I have been waking up with my conscious screaming at me for being so selfish and worrying about the impact this is having on my life while you are laying there with machines keeping you alive.

But, all in all, I have been proud of myself for holding it together.

I have been able to contact everyone I have needed to contact, including your brothers and friends.

I never knew I could be this strong, and it’s all because of you. You are the reason I am who I am today, and you are the reason I am having to push myself past my comfort zone.

So, I guess, in a way, I should be thanking you for this.

Thank you for teaching me a way to love that I never thought possible, so whole and so deeply.

Thank you for always being my rock and being there for me and allowing me to break down when I needed to break down. All of this has brought me to where we are right now, and I am able to draw from those strengths and that courage you have supplied me with over the past two years and have been able to take care of you and make sure you are okay and I am there for you both physically and mentally.

I am so proud of you for being so strong and letting them take you off some of the sedation slowly. But you have to do me a favor, stop fighting the tubes. I know they are not comfortable by any means, but you have got to let them do their jobs or you will never get home. They need to do that procedure to check your throat for air pockets in order to get you out of the coma. Please allow them to try that tomorrow.

Don’t worry – I will be there with you tomorrow every step of the way. I know you requested me to be there, and perhaps you are waiting for me to be there tomorrow, but I promise you I will be there tomorrow and I will talk you through this like I am right now.

Just rest today and I will be there with you tomorrow.

You are going to be on my mind all day, all night…. All eternity. You will never leave my mind no matter what I love you.

In sickness and in health, till death us part…. I am here for you.

Let God take control. He has you. He will keep you. He will love you. He will guide you. Please, let Him take control.

I miss the way that you would always fart and wake me up in the middle of the night with that god awful stench.

I miss the way that you would comfort me and wake me up in the middle of the night out of a night terror, and place you had on my body and tell me everything was okay and you are right here beside me.

I miss the way you would get mad at me because my OCD would not allow the remotes to remain in the bed.

I miss the way that when I had a panic attack, you would tell me to take my Xnax and no matter how hard I fought you on taking it, you always managed to get me to take it and made sure I was calmed down before you took care of yourself.

I miss the way that would get mad at me when I put my cold feet on you, or when it was hot how I always wanted to cuddle and you don’t like cuddling when it was hot cause you are a heater, but you let me get away with it anyway, no matter how short it was.

I miss how I used to lay on your chest at night when I had bad nights and fall asleep with your hand in my hair, even though I knew damn well you hate it when I fall asleep on you cause you do get hot so easily.

I miss the way I used to get mad at you when you would stay up all night playing the Xbox playing with your friends instead of being in the bed with me.

I miss the way you used to make fun of my God awful British baking shows, and how we would always fight over who got to pick what to watch that night, and more times than not you let me watch my shows just because they make me happy.

I miss how it would take us forever to pick out where to eat, and I especially miss how when you ask me what I want to eat and I finally tell you what I want, all you do is give me stink face and I finally get so mad that I let you pick anyway.

Most of all, I miss you.

Daniel, I know I sound like a broken record, but please, get better and come back to me.  I know you’ve got a lot going on, and I know I sound selfish, but I need you.  I miss you.  Your family needs you and misses you.  Your cat misses you.

You are stronger than what you are going through right now, but you have got to stop being so stubborn and back off and let those machines do the work.  I know it’s not easy for you to let go and let someone or something else take control, but if you don’t, you are going to be in that bed forever.

Let God take control.  He has you.  He will keep you.  He will love you.  He will guide you.  Please, let Him take control.

I cannot wait until I get the chance to kiss your lips and hear you tell me I love you.

That, perhaps, is the one thing I have missed the most.

I love you.